Dear God, It's me, Lindsay.

This post is not going to be very fun and informational about my new residence. It is more of me just needing to vent. They say when you throw things out there then they are more likely to change. So, here goes! First of all, I just want to preface this by saying that I am not sad or in a dark place. I am simply unsettled and feeling discontent with the way my twenties have gone. I remember when I was 21 and the world seemed perfect. I had a plan to by married by 25-26 and start expanding the family by 29. I am not saying I regret the decision I made at all. The things that have happened since then have shaped me. I would be a completely different person if I had stuck to that plan. I would be selfish, conceited, and I would not have some of the best friends I have today. I would also still be taking forgranted the relationship I had. I learned a lot about treasuring the times you have with people because you never know when they will walk out the door. I thought I "had it in the bag" and I quickly learned that I am in no way, shape, or form in control of other people's feelings. Since then, I have been kind of reckless. I was hurt so bad that I have done everything possible to be the one who "loves less" so in the end I am not the one hurting. I think I have missed out on people beacause of my own fears. I have not found "that feeling" I used to have because I do not allow myself to get that involved. It is hard. Many people I know are married and some are starting families, and I am still stuck in this rut. As much as I try not to worry and not to stress, it only makes it worse. My greatest fear is that I am alone for so long because I am searching for something that I keep running from instead of allowing myself to take a chance. I have this list. A list of everything I want to find in someone. Some things on the list are obviously not as important and if it came down to it, there would be exceptions. Other things though, are not negotiable. It is not about finding someone with all of these "things" and getting married and starting a family. It is about having that relationship again. The one where you know that person absolutely adores you and you adore them in the same way. The person that you can sit and talk for hours on end and there is never a dull moment. Before you realize it, hours have passed. The person that calms you down when you get angry and frustrated, instead of making the matter worse. It doesn't seem like too much to ask for, but it is the hardest thing to find. Ya know that saying, "it is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all." I am thinking I would rather have never loved yet in my life because then I would be satisfied a little easier. Again, I am not saying I miss "that person" at all. I just miss the relationship. Yes, there were problems, hence why it ended. But that is my standard now because I know how great I can get. It is not something you can write down in a list of things you are looking for. I have a list. Some of those things are nonnegotiable, but it is more about a connection and personalities that compliment each other rather than things in a list. I just struggle, because I know where I want to be, and I feel like I am just going to be in this place I am at for a long time.