Crazy Love

I have been hearing people talk about this book "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan, so Friday after work I went and picked up a copy. I started reading it that night and then when I woke up Saturday I read the rest of it. I could not put it down. Everything I had planned to do Saturday during the day was all of a sudden not as important as finishing the book. It was a huge eye opener for me. In the foreword there is a sentence that says "if someone were to look at your life would they call you a Christian?" that started the process of really examining who I am. I come from a church based family environment: My grandpa was the music director while my mom grew up, I have aunts and uncles that are pastors, and I myself was pretty involved in church during my school days. Now that I have been on my own, I am not going to lie, I have gone through periods of time where I did not attend church or even read the Bible like I used to. Looking back on those days, I can say that they were not my smartest days. Now, I have found a new church to call home and I attend and read the Bible more often. I felt pretty good about myself and who I was but I still felt stuck and incomplete. This book forced me to look at my life and examine it. To look at my daily choices and habits that create my lifestyle. Seven months ago someone, who I look up to and value their opinion greatly, told me some of the things that they did not agree with in my life. Granted it was based on how I looked on facebook, it was still valid. At the time, I was upset and sad that that person thought those things about me, but I can't deny I was that person. Since then, I have been trying to better that appearance, but I started Grad School and have been more focused on that. After reading this book, I realize that my habits and my priorities are up to no one but me. I thought if I did my best in school then that would bring happiness. Well, I made all A's and now I am concerned with this next set of classes so the happiness has worn off. I realize now that was a distraction in my life that was keeping me from growing closer to God. The only way to be truly happy is through Him, not by things of this world. From here on out, I am allowing all of you to hold me accountable. I need to makeover myself and start living like a true follower of Christ. I know I will fall short, but as long as I continue to pursue God then I will continue to grow. All that matters is how God sees me, but it really freaked me out because if that was how that person saw me then I was not at all ready to be before the Lord. I want people to look at me and there be no doubt in their mind that I am a Christian.

Bad News Bears...

As most of you know, or maybe you don't, I don't know if you do or not, but I am a very positive person. If something is wrong in life or bothering me, then only my family and close friends know about it. That being said, most of you don't know that I have been struggling for the past 7 months with this absolutely horrible pain in my left lower back and side area. The pain started off as just annoying and uncomfortable. Then, last September, I ended up in the ER after spending two hours sitting on the bathroom floor at work with a small fan and a water bottle while sick to my stomach from the intensity of the pain. The hospital gave me morphine and some fluids and were positive I was passing a kidney stone. After hours in the hospital and scans and blood and urine tests, they concluded that there were no signs of stones or any infection. The doctor pretty much told me he was clueless as to what it was and to go get my ovaries checked out.
Long story short, I go see the gyno a few times and do more tests and sonograms and everything looks normal. The next step: Laparoscopic Surgery! Basically she wants to go in with a scope in my stomach to see on the outside how my organs look and if that will bring a conclusion. I know some people say "Why are you freaking out? This is just a minor surgery" well yes, it is, but still! They want to knock me unconscious and cut me open to probe around in there! I am more worried about the unconsciousness. I do not like to be unable to control my body. I have been given serious pain meds and muscle relaxers over my time and I never take them because they make you feel like you are not yourself. So, the thought of being literally knocked out freaks me out. I have never had surgery before except my wisdom teeth taken out but i dont count that. That didnt involve cutting your stomach and searching your organs that keep you functioning in life.
The surgery is scheduled for Jan 27th so please keep me in your prayers because I am a little nervous and scared that I will do this and then still have no solution to the problem.

I know that the Lord will not give me anything I can not handle so I am drawing even closer during this time when I need to feel His arms around me. This is one of my favorite verses and I read it daily to remind myself to trust that everything will be fine.

"Dont be afraid. I am with you. Dont tremble with fear. I am your God. I will make you strong, as I protect you with my arm and give you victories."
-Isaiah 41:10

Happy New Year!

I can not believe it is already 2011! I am so excited about this year to come. I am planning for a change in location and I CAN NOT wait! I am so excited to move but on the flipside, I am going to miss my friends and family soooo much! My favorite moments have been just goofing off with family or friends and the relationships I have with my favorite people. I know making new friendships will be hard but I am hopeful. I already know what church I will attend in the new city and I am excited to build relationships there. It is a small church that meets in an elementary school at the moment, but that is what I love about it. Everyone knows everyone else and it feels like a family :) It is called Apostles Church in NYC and is lead by JR Vassar. I attended the last time I was visiting the city and I loved it! I really feel like things are going to work out with this move. I wanted to move years back but things just didnt work out. This time I feel like this is what I am supossed to do. I pray about it constantly and I am excited for the fall when I move!